Dad Jokes for Days
Happy people tend to be healthier. Try these 67 Dad jokes on for size.
Today’s Training News Article is not about diet. It’s also not about lifting weights. It’s about lifting your spirit. Laughter is proven to increase personal satisfaction, lower stress, and soothe tension! We want to give you a break from a busy life that causes stress. We decided to compile our best dad jokes and give you a good eye-roll & belly laugh.
Let’s take life less seriously. Just like our dads do.
- What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!
- I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.
- To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!
- Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, “No, just leave it in the carton!”
- What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!
- I’m really excited for the next autopsy club. It’s open Mike night!
- What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? “HDMI.”
- My daughter thinks I don’t give her enough privacy. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
- The guy that invented the umbrella was gonna call it the brella. But he hesitated.
- What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool? Rock pay-for scissors.
- What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!
- What do you give to a sick lemon? Lemon aid!
- Why are there gates around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in!
- What do bees do if they need a ride? Wait at the buzz stop!
- What do you call a monkey that loves Doritos? A chipmunk!
- Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing!
- Do you remember that joke I told you about my spine? It was about a weak back!
- I just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
- When’s the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie!
- Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’re bagels!
- Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze
- What do you call birds who stick together? Vel-crows.
- What do you call it when one cow spies on another? A steak out!
- What happens when a frog’s car breaks down? It gets toad!
- Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
- What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “Graaaaaaaains!”
- My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that, it’s also terrible.
- What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? “Oh sheet!”
- Why do cow-milking stools only have three legs? ‘Cause the cow’s got the udder!
- How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
- It’s inappropriate to make a “dad joke” if you are not a dad. It’s a faux pa.
- I have an addiction to cheddar cheese. But it’s only mild.
- Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless!
- Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
- They told me a mask was enough to get into the supermarket. They lied, everybody else was also wearing pants.
- Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves. Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
- Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.
- I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
- I used to hate facial hair but then it grew on me.
- Wait, you don’t want to hear a joke about potassium? K.
- How do you organize a space-themed hurrah? You planet.
- How do you feel when there’s no coffee? Depresso.
- What do you give a sick bird? Tweetment.
- What are the biggest enemies of caterpillars? Dogerpillers.
- What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach? “It’s not you, it’s a-me!”
- What’s the award for being the best dentist? A little plaque.
- What did the finger say to the thumb? I’m in glove with you.
- What do you call a magician dog? A labracadabrador.
- Who invented the round table? Sir Cumference.
- What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung? The Guardians of the Galaxy.
- What’s the best way to carve wood? Whittle by whittle.
- Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots? He was picking his nose.
- What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time.
- What did the lawyer wear to court? A lawsuit!
- How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Just follow the fresh prints!
- What did the clock do when it was hungry? It went back four seconds.
- What do you call a dog with no legs? You can call him whatever you want, he’s still not coming.
- I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: “Hey, you want to see how far I can kick this bucket?”
- What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.
- Why did the man get fired from his job at the calendar factory? He took a couple days off!
- Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? Because he always gets a hole in one!
- Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he eventually woke up!
- If you’re American when you go in the bathroom and American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom? European!
- Did you hear the rumor about butter? Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.
- I’m not a big fan of stairs. They’re always up to something.
- What do you call a boomerang that never comes back? A stick.
- What to hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it’s tearable.
I tried to roll my eyes at each one of these. But I cracked up on those last two no doubt.